I used to have the perfect boyfriend. At least, I thought I did. On the inside, I was sure he had a heart of pure gold, and as if that wasn’t enough, he was like a modern-day replica of one of Michelangelo’s sculpted masterpieces on the outside.
He was popular, to say the least.
Even before I started dating him, my friends and I would discuss him in hushed tones as if he was light years above us in every way. We didn’t even deserve such a classmate, let alone such a potential partner.
We’d say things like, “Did you notice his nose? It’s just perfect!” And someone would answer, with a faraway look in their eye, “I know… I haven’t found a flaw in him yet. Are you sure he’s single?”
Yes, we were being completely ridiculous.
But this feeling of awe I had toward him only gained traction after he *gasp* asked me to be his girlfriend.
For months and months after we started dating, I was amazed that such a great person would look at me and find me worthy to be his partner.
At the time, my self-esteem was so non-existent that I never stopped to consider that maybe I was good enough for someone like my boyfriend — at least, the person I thought he was.
It took me a while to realize he only wanted to date me because he knew from the start he could treat me poorly and I wouldn’t leave him. And he was right.
So what happened? Why did I stay in what turned out to be a bad relationship?
It was simple. Every time he ghosted me while we were dating long-distance, he had an easy solution to make sure I wouldn’t get fed up and break up with him. He would take out his phone and send me a long, romantic texts along the lines of:
“I love you with all my heart.”
“You’re my whole world.”
“I couldn’t live without you.”
And every time he did, my sentimental heart would cloud my common sense and prevent me from seeing how manipulative he was and how empty and worthless his words were.
Since his messages weren’t followed by any change in behavior, they were really a sorry attempt to keep me interested. And the worst part was, they worked. Even after we broke up, it took me a while to look at our toxic, unhappy relationship with anything other than a sense of profound loss.
That’s how powerful words are — they can make us believe things that are completely untrue simply because we desperately want them to be true.
So when I finally took off the rose-colored lenses and looked at our relationship from a slightly more level-headed perspective, one thing stood out to me in particular:
My ex’s messages hadn’t been romantic at all — they had been huge red flags from the beginning.
What I should have realized was that someone who told me I was “their whole world” or that “they couldn’t live without me” wasn’t ready for a serious relationship — even if my ex had genuinely meant what he said.
The reality is, strong relationships can’t be based on co-dependency or manipulation, no matter how romantic it may seem on the surface. And as I’ve learned, that’s exactly what those common, seemingly loving phrases people use over and over often illustrate.
So what does this mean for you? Am I suggesting that if someone tells you they “can’t live without you”, you should automatically run?
Not necessarily.
But I am saying this: Be careful. As I’ve learned the hard way, some people are so good at manipulating others that you’d think they got a Ph.D. in Manipulation Studies.
Seriously.
If you stop and think about it, anyone can tell you they love you — it doesn’t involve any commitment on their end. But it can feel like a commitment, which is where the trouble starts. Words alone can trap you into thinking someone really, genuinely cares — even if they send the same messages to dozens of other people.
So how can you tell the difference? How can you tell the difference between someone who’s just toying with your emotions and someone who’s genuinely interested in you?
Ask yourself this:
If they didn’t send any texts or tell you they love you with words, would you still know, deep in your heart, that you matter to them?
Here’s why that’s an important question: real love isn’t about romantic phrases — it’s about action.
Some people might excel at saying or writing that you matter to them and then fall completely short when it comes to actually putting in the work to prove it’s true.
On the other hand, some people might genuinely love you but feel they just can’t bring themselves to tell you using words. To them, the prospect of taming rabid lions seems safe and easy in comparison. So what do they do instead? They tell you, but mostly through their actions.
Ultimately, if someone sincerely loves you, it will be reflected in what they do.
And remember, even among those who are more comfortable showing you instead of telling you that you matter to them, they’ll make an effort in their verbal and written communication, too — even if it’s subtle.
For example, there’s a world of difference between someone copy-and-pasting a worn-out, needy phrase like “I couldn’t live without you” and someone writing, “Did your interview go well? I bet you killed it.”
See, both of these phrases are easy to write, but one is considerably more mature and thoughtful than the other.
As I’ve learned, the former indicates either desperation or manipulation, but the latter is completely different. It’s not needy or controlling at all. It’s a loving message, but it’s more than that — it comes off as way more genuine and considerate because it shows that the person cared enough to remember something that mattered to you.
That’s what makes words valuable — if they confirm what you already know about a person because their actions have been showing you all along.
Here’s another example: I come from a family that doesn’t often say “I love you” with words. And yet, I know my family members love me, as I love them. How? Because their actions say it. Constantly.
From my brother sacrificing time to tutor me in accounting when he’s busy enough with grad school, to my little sister making me a friendship bracelet, and to all the little things in between, I know I come from a great family because I can feel their love. Ultimately, that’s what matters.
Bottom line
If you want to figure out if someone loves you or not, focus on what they do. And if what they say sounds insincere, needy, or just plain ridiculous, it might be a good idea to take an honest look at your relationship. I really wish I had done this earlier because it would have saved me from a lot of pain and disappointment.
Remember — anyone can seem charming and say just the right thing when you first meet them. The real test to see if someone is worth your time is to pay attention to what they do when problems come up: when, heaven forbid, you get sick, lose your job, or some other major inconvenience comes your way.
What do they do then? Do they make excuses for why they can’t help you, or do they stay by your side no matter what?
It’s easy enough to say “I couldn’t live without you” when everything is going well, but when things are going poorly, it’s not so easy for those who don’t sincerely care about you after all.
The reality is, those who truly love you won’t ever be satisfied with telling you using words alone. They’ll show you how much you matter to them through their actions. They’ll go the extra mile. They’ll do what it takes to make you feel special, even if they’re a thousand miles away and “busy.”
Don’t forget that.